Category Archives: horoscopes

[Audio] #LLKYA Episode 4 – The Halloween Monkey Spectacular

In this episode, we go HAM on Mothman, we tell amazing personal ghost stories, and Adam discusses his favourite type of animal penis

Horoscopes – And why you’re idiots

Patrick Harpur, an incredibly well known paranormal and esoteric writer, noted in his outstanding reference book ‘Daemonic Reality’, that:

“It is a trueism that a Buddhist has never had a vision of Jesus, and a Christian has never had a vision of Buddha”

Seemingly it’s only through pop culture has the confusion and amalgamation of different belief structures allowed religious elements such as worship of early gods to shiftily blend into the notion of horoscopes. It’s interesting to note that the current zodiac is actually a vast ethereal concoction of many different B.C. faiths. Something that doesn’t score many points for believers when trying to argue it’s legitimacy; my high school ancient history book was a perfect example. Chapter 1 on greek culture was a masterful outline on the rise and fall of the dominant early greek civilisation, the Mycenae.

Turn over the page to Chapter 2 and suddenly you’re transported to a world of Alexander the Great, Persian Wars, and one of the most brash and quickly gained empire’s in all of human history. To the untrained observer, very little spans between Bronze Age Greece, the romanticism of Homer, and the rise of Macedonia, a simple turn of the page, however, note that between that turn of the page over 1,000 years have passed in Greek history.

It’s great that Horoscopes tell us all the future and get all people to relinquish their free will, but keep in mind thousands of years of outside and dominant 3rd party history has moulded a belief system that is so incredibly far from the original zodiac, that under a microscope the whole things falls apart like soggy weetbix.

The obvious stuff – And why you’re mindless sheep

No correlation between humans and the stars
The sky is where the gods lived, it wasn’t a place for humans, and ancient man (most notably the Greeks and Chinese) looked up and saw the representations of their gods in the stars. However, what are the stars? Stars are the 2 dimensional representation of light sources from distant nuclear reactions. Well, that’s what stars are, the fusion reaction of superheated Hydrogen that has the side effect of heat, photons (light) and deadly radiation. Effectively, early man was staring at a number of different light sources, and suffered large bouts of Pareidolia (

The stars are actually trillions of miles apart
Look at any star pattern in the sky, it takes on its shape because we only see its two dimensional representation, as the following images or randomly placed cylinders show, turn it on its side, and you suddenly realise the distance between the light sources is huge and spread far apart.

In other words, viewed from a different angle, the constellations don’t actually take the shape of what they are meant to represent.

At its most basic belief, people gain the attributes of the zodiac sign they belong two. This was taken from a wiki summary of ‘Gemini’, the twins:

“The Air signs possess the virtue of knowledge. This does not mean they are more intelligent than anyone else but are generally well-rounded and informed. They are good communicators.” ( The general belief being that, as twins, Gemini is in two minds and far more inquistive than other signs of the zodiac. However a great deal of Mythos is largely abandoned by modern astrologers. In actual fact, as I’ll show in other sections, the movement of the Earth and the non existence of the Greek Gemini in our night sky, has meant that the current constellation associated with Gemini actually belongs to the Hindu Zodiac, which follows a completely different Mythos.

Basically it’s a case of, we can’t see it in the sky anymore, that’s ok, we’ll just pinch the Hindu constellation, no one will notice.

But, we will, because it means that the ‘power’ gained from the sun rising through this constellation is actually going to people NOT born as Gemini’s, but people born as Gemini’s in a DIFFERENT religion on a different date. Well, that makes PERFECT sense.

Oh, no it doesn’t, because you’re all nutbags.

The Zodiac will one day disappear
Sifting through nearly 5,000 years of sky history was difficult for modern man, more so because he began to realise that “Gosh darn it, the sky just isn’t living up to its end of the bargain”. As we suddenly realised that Earth is not the centre of the universe, and in fact we were revolving around a star, which in turn was revolving around a galaxy, we began to understand why the constellations were disappearing from the night sky and not returning.

As the Earth turns, naturally, because the stars are fixed and we’re not, we are spinning around and can see different constellations at different times of the year. For early man, this was easily explained as the fact that certain gods (as represented in the stars) were associated with distinctive seasons. What early man didn’t plan on was the fact that thousands of years later, as the earth revolves on a tilt and changes position, the constellations that we would see in the night sky would slowly disappear. So it begs a question: When Leo is no longer visable in the night sky, will people born ‘under’ Leo still… Leo’s? More importantly, how then can we assign ANY significance to the constellations and their affect on humanity when soon they will be replaced by brand new stars in the night sky?

It also raises another question, are the Zodiac’s something that only effects life on Earth, or is it universal? And if it’s universal, then how do you explain the next section?

What if I’m living on Alpha Centauri, does the Zodiac still apply to me?
Of course not you heathen; it’s interesting to note that, just like point 2, living on a different planet in a different star system would present you with some problems if you’re a believer in the Zodiac.

Firstly, when looking into the night sky you wouldn’t be able to casually glance upwards and observe the constellation Saggitarius, because if you were living on Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to our own, you would actually be living IN Saggitarius. It paints an interesting scenario; is someone born on a different planet bound by the same zodiac laws? Well, presumably not, how then can the Zodiac be universally significant if its scope is limited to one species on one planet in a universe that is potentially infinite in its expanse?

It’s also interesting to note that Alpha Centauri (a binary system [something actually quite common in the universe] made up of Alpha Centauri A and Alpha Centauri B and a more distant star Proximus Centauri) is located in the foot of the Saggitarius constellation. The star beside it in the constellation, Hadar, is actually 348 Light Years away, that is, 347 times further away then Alpha Centauri A, B and C.

You’re all nutbags.

Inaccuracies of the Zodiac – how humans f*#ked it all up
Initially the Zodiac boasted 13 signs; Ophiuchus was actually common place in the Zodiac until the early part of the 14th Century. In 1309, Phillip of France declared that the Knights Templar be arrested and burned for Heresy, and on Friday the 13th the former bastions of godliness in the middle east were put to the stake and killed. The omen of Friday the 13th was perpetuated in Middle Age society, right up to the point that the number 13 became unlucky altogether (Asian and eastern cultures have no affinity to the number 13).

The rise of the alternative and esoteric arts in the 18th century in Britain brought new life to the Zodiac. However, the concept of ’13’ signs was seen as rather ominous, and the extra sign was dropped altogether. This meant that the signs that remained had extra ‘days’ upon which they could be assigned. Of course, this presented a problem: because even though, say, Scorpio is assigned 32 days in the Zodiac, the actual time that the sun actually rises through the constellation is only 14 days. This means that people born at the beginning and the end of the Scorpio ‘rising’, are in fact born under completely different signs.

So, hang on, how can someone possess the characteristics of a scorpio, and yet TECHNICALLY be born under a different sign? There’s only one way to account for this: it’s all bollocks and you’re all nutbags.

Modern astrologers have now realised this universal f*&k up, and as of January this year (2011), the Minnesota Planetarium Society decided that it was necessary to re-introduce the 13th Zodiac sign. Meaning, of course, that everyone is basically shifted along one star sign. So people, who for years, were telling their friends “Oh, I am SUCH a Leo” were proven to be talking out their arse, because in fact they were something completely different. Idiots.

Pareidolia on a human emotion scale.

The evolotion of modern day Zodiac signs – completely f*#king different from how they started

And that brings us to an interesting conclusion, the inclusion of prophetic and non descript predictions into the equation. When you consider the origins of the Zodiac, and more importantly their roots in Greek, Hindi and Zoroastrian religions, it makes us ask the all too important question:

At what point did mankind metamophasise their gods into animalistic icons, put a sheet over their head, and start charging $4.95 per minute (more from mobile and pay phones) to receive messages from the future?

Take away the fact that time flows in one direction (and therefore seeing the future is bollocks), it appears our non-descript misconception of prophesy has blinded us about star signs and predictions. Far be it from me to actually defend the astrology community for a brief few minutes, but it appears I do; you, that’s right, you, the person sitting on their work PC reading this when you clearly should be getting that order processed, is the one to blame for all the misconception.

Our signs don’t predict the future, they imprint within us a pre-determined set of traits that due to the position of the sun and the planets at the time of our ‘readings’ can be used to determine our reactions to different situations. Somehow, over the years of commercialisation, this got transformed into the 1900-tarot-card belief structure that plagues modern astrology.

Modern day astrologers, having far removed the Zodiac from religion (although it is still represented in paganistic traditions – i.e. those associated with rustic religions, not necessarily the devil), needed to justify the effects of Equinox Procession ( and began reinforcing the belief that the signs have their own equinox, and no longer have any relevance to the stars that spawned them. This, of course, is bollocks, and doesn’t take away from the fact that you are, indeed, all nutbags. You can’t simply erase the history of Zodiacs because it doesn’t fit into your belief system.

An analogy would be a Beagle with floppy ears, who’s mother and father were also Beagles with floppy ears, suddenly denying his heritage and claiming he is in fact a bright green praying mantis.

However, as I was saying, this is your fault readers, because it’s easier for us to relegate everything to fate than it is to own up to the fact that we create our own destiny and we are responsible for our own future. It’s an odd human social experiment; we’re so incredibly fascinated by the concept of prophesy and prediction that we shed our rational thought, and open our minds up to something that has absolutely no basis for existence, not even as a religion.

We call ourselves masters of free will, yet, we believe in the notion of fate, a seemingly intelligent force that is able to monitor the goings on of billions of humans across the planet and deal out justice to those who are evil, and kindness to those who are virtuous.

Add to this the notion that we can’t actually see the force or sense it in any other way, and its existence is based on ‘faith’, something that is akin to the hundreds of millions who pack churches, temples and mosques the world over to pray to god like deities.

We’ve given up our free will, and sold it for the promise that our future can be predicted by thin cardboard playing cards and tea leaves. I can’t help but feel we’ve been shortchanged.

Of course, this promise of the secrets of the universe comes at a price….

normally $4.95 a minute, higher from Mobile and Pay Phones.